Film Massacre

Summer Massacre 2013

This summer has been one hell of a season for blockbusters, and I mean that in the fire and brimstone, sulfur-burning eyes, unending torture, non-sense driven, bullshit religion type of Hell and damnation kind of way.
What is a blockbuster? Well, in movie terms, it's a film that is a great commercial success. But I prefer to use it as a description for any movie that tries way too hard to achieve that success (usually failing miserably). Like that one kid who tries out for the baseball team, he has a lot of heart and drive but absolutely no physical prowess. If we were Spartans, he probably would have been thrown off a cliff at birth.

Everyone knows this kid

I wish someone would have thrown most of the scripts for these movies and everyone associated with them off the same cliff.

The Good

Pacific Rim

This movie was goddamn fun, even if you don't have that one go-to anime movie reference that features giant robots. The only way it could have been better is if Charlie Hunnam had either died in the first second of the movie or just never been in it at all. Every time that guy talks all I can think is "stop talking like that. you're killin' me here."

"You're KILLIN' me HUNNAM!"

Giant robots fighting giant monsters in a world destroyed, on the brink of total annihilation. The plot is basic but it isn't tossed to the wind. Don't expect to throw up every time there is a fight either. Unlike other films that throw so much random shit at the screen to give the illusion of action, all of the fights in Pacific Rim are easy to watch. It's satisfying to watch a horrible monster get bludgeoned with an oil tanker.

The Conjuring

Fuuuuuuck this movie. And I mean that in the best possible way. I was on edge the whole time, despite the typical setting and story. The scares weren't so thrown in your face as much as an implied presence most of the time. So when we finally saw something it was more terrifying having built off the tension.


I kept thinking this was going on while I watched the movie

It just so happens that the actual paranormal investigators this movie is based on are the basis for the Amityville Horror, so I attribute the basic plot to being their overused REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE.

Think about that the next time something goes bump in the night.

The Wolverine

This one was a big surprise to me. It had all the trappings of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, that piece of shit movie proved that something CAN be worse than X-Men 3. Somehow, the creative gods smiled on this flick. You'll always find directors expressing their love for the source material when it comes to any iconic figure, but James Mangold really seems to have a love for the character and making the Wolverine a movie that hinges on one word: Badass. Wolverine spends his time killing and dealing with his past kills, including his beloved Jean Grey. It was a step in the right direction, a cathartic film for this character to be set up for a return to the X-Men in Days of Future Past.

Photo Op opop op op

My only gripe with The Wolverine is the ending battle. People are getting put to sleep for no reason and in some old Japanese tower that, for some reason, is like some strange missile
/ laboratory thing? In which everyone is falling and fighting and falling some more. They made up for all of it by having Viper die in a more gruesome way than I expected. Overall, a pleasant surprise.

The Bad

I'll build this up in order of my displeasure with each. I'll keep it concise because most of these movies are so bad that they don't warrant much more than a sentence to explain. Plus, I'm really going to enjoy tearing into the last couple.

R.I.P.D.

I watched Men In Black instead. Did anybody see this movie? Hello?

The Heat

Miss Congeniality 3, this time, with a fat chick trying to do physical comedy. It's always funny to watch fat people struggle! Right?

Why couldn't Ryan Renolds and Sandra Bullock just do The Proposal 2: The Marriage instead, or something? These were quality choices?

Someone give these roles to Charlize next time

The Lone Ranger

I'm surprised anyone even tried to go see this movie. Even the trailers were such dog shit footage, I couldn't imagine what the rest would be like if what I saw in the preview was supposed to hook me. Johnny Depp has done everything except literally jumping over a shark. Quirky and weird doesn't fit EVERY character.


This isn't even a character....

Stop trying to force it. Go back to making a movie every 6 years or something. Just because you are an actor doesn't mean you can pull off another race in a different time. You're just Johnny Depp with stupid makeup.