Snow White and the Huntsman
Snow White and the Huntsman was not worth the $9.50 or the 2 hours I lost that could have been better spent doing almost anything else. Perhaps even ziplining...
It's true, I ask a lot of the films I watch and to some degree I can deal with a little bit of reused material or poor acting or quirks. Some films have all of the elements of a terrible movie but still work together within the story to create something that is not only memorable but WORKS! It fucking fits.
This film does not...this film is like a great dog who looked so awesome and fun at the shelter but then you got home from work and it has shit on your favorite shirt and you may never find a way to forgive it. I will explain why this movie shit on my shirt after I give you the good news.
THE GOOD NEWS
Chris Hemsworth is an excellent actor. Although there are a few moments when his character does not seem to act in accordance with the plot, Hemsworth delivers a solid performance as the lost, widowed Huntsman. I haven't seen him phone in a performance yet so I'm going to blame the director for almost everything here.
Kristen Stewart is also not all that bad in this! I expected at any moment for her to see some wolf and be all like 'That guy is hot' or some other Twilight bullshit. Thankfully the only reminder of Twilight is her 'I constantly am thinking of something to say' face
I'm starting to think that is just how her face is all the time tho...
Anyway, she also gives a fairly good performance and doesn't try to overdue the English accent. She sticks to what she can pull off...except her clothes which is unfortunate because this film would have received an extra thumbs up...from my crotch.
The 7 dwarfs look excellent! Seeing a tiny Nick Frost running around was a real treat but alas, there was no balance to the story and he was lost in the shuffle. The CG animations were great! From the Mirror-guy to the landscapes. Except for the faeries...those stupid fucks...
THE BAD NEWS
I wish there were more, but Darth fucking Vader had more good in him than this movie.
Tell your sister...don't go see this movie...
This is where the real rant begins. Spoilers ahead. (Though is it really a spoiler if I warn you that the apple you are about to eat is poison?)
Charlize fucking Theron. She is just plain awful in this movie. If you want someone to have an English accent at least find someone who can pull of a half way decent one. Or just cast someone who is English! OR STOP EXPECTING ALL FANTASY PEOPLE TO HAVE AN ACCENT!
She yells needlessly. Tries to look all menacing Over acts more than an actual drama QUEEN! Generally tries too hard to pull off the ultimate villain. Even so, she has red, teary eyes more often than any other person in the film and she doesn't even have a reason to cry!
Oh sure the character has some cobbled together back story about being taken from home as a child and how her creepy fucking mom enchanted her to use her pussy as a weapon but honestly, why the hell would I feel bad for her by the time she is slaughtering civilians and sucking the life out of innocent young women. She talks about the evil of men but proceeds to rip out hearts and steal life from pretty much everyone she comes into contact with. Then takes a milk bath. Presumably just because the director had no clear idea of what the fuck he was doing.
The relationship between Snow White and the Huntsman is not well crafted. It goes from 'not my problem' to 'if we are caught stab them to survive!' in approximately 1 minute. Then Snow White transforms overnight from a mild, frightened girl lost in a world she has not seen for a decade to warrior princess overnight after waking up from a coma! POOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! I think I know who to blame but I'll get to the director in a second. First I need to touch on the story a little further.
The story had so much potential to be great. A dark retelling of the fairy tale classic! Except that the fairy tale is already fairly dark to begin with. So rather than build up a solid story around the original, delve into the characters and their motivations, fears, hopes and lives in this fantasy world, instead the writers chose to just toss small bits of information in and call it good. The sad part is, these glimpses into who these characters are just mentioned at random and the only character who seems to have any depth is the Hunstman. Until that gets ruined by this douche bag
That's a villain. Finn. The Queen's brother. He has the haircut of a toddler. Anything menacing he does in the course of the film is ruined by that dumb fucking haircut. He is completely incompetent as well. You would think after generations of destroying kingdoms with his sister he might have developed a bit of an intellect but somehow, Snow White, a girl who has been trapped in a tower for a decade, is able to evade him persistently. OH YEAH, and if you didn't believe this character was creepy enough he is also a bit of a rapist! That is always darker, right? RIGHT?! Then let's make him the ultimate opposition to the Hunstman by making it personal! What if Finn raped and murdered the Huntsman's wife?!
Oh shit that is just so dark and original!
Lets look at this poster for a moment,
Looks good! Very neat. Oh wait...who is that guy? The Prince? Was he in this movie? Oh yeah this is a fairy tale so there just HAS to be a prince. Toss one in! He doesn't have to do anything really! He can be completely forgettable because, after all, this is Snow White and the HUNTSMAN.
Oh I forgot, Snow White has 7 dwarf friends in the story. Toss some in. They don't need to do anything either really. We will have a war at the end in which everyone will be needed so...that is like the classic story...right?
I blame Rupert Sanders. The director. This guy has a smaller IMDB page than my penis. I swear he did not turn down a single idea.
I imagine whatever fantasy element anyone concocted to add to this masterpiece, Sanders just said 'I love it.'
Moss covered snake doing nothing?
I love it.
A flower made of butterfly wings that is actually just a ton of butterflies that take off in flight suddenly?
I love it.
Faeries that somehow just pop out of the fur of animals?
I love it.
Poison gas that makes you trip balls in the forest for a couple minutes?
I
LOVE
IT.
What really grinds my gears is the poorly reused imagery from other fantasy classics. Here are some examples.
Neverending Story: Artax the horse is pulled under in the Swamp of Sorrows.
Snow White: White horse takes her to safety only to be pulled into the mud at the fucking Forlorn Forest 3 minutes later.
The Dark Crystal: The life is drained from a muppet who grows old before our very eyes.
Snow White: The Queen steals the life from a girl who looks just like the goddamn muppet and ages in the same way!
The Dark Crystal: Our heroes come to a small village that only knows peace where they may rest awhile only to be attacked suddenly in the night. The village is burned away.
Snow White: Exactly the same but this time with women who escaped the Queen by scarring their faces.
Lord of the Rings: Constantly traversing mountain landscapes with little dwarf.
Snow White: Same camera shots of the same thing!
Chronicles of Narnia: The Ice Queen plunges her world into snow and desperation. Life struggles to exist.
Snow White: The evil Queen somehow plunges the world into decay.
Chronicles of Narnia: Our heroes meet the mysterious animal king Aslan in a sanctuary where the land springs back to life.
Snow White: Our heroes happen upon a fucking nature-thriving sanctuary where Snow White meets and is blessed by some animal king!
I imagine Sanders saying "Yeah but ours is a Stag. Aslan was a Lion. It's different."
Go fuck yourself!
THE VERDICT
Fuck this movie. Watch Willow or something.
