Summer 2013 Blockbuster Massacre

Summer Massacre 2013

This summer has been one hell of a season for blockbusters, and I mean that in the fire and brimstone, sulfur-burning eyes, unending torture, non-sense driven, bullshit religion type of Hell and damnation kind of way.
What is a blockbuster? Well, in movie terms, it's a film that is a great commercial success. But I prefer to use it as a description for any movie that tries way too hard to achieve that success (usually failing miserably). Like that one kid who tries out for the baseball team, he has a lot of heart and drive but absolutely no physical prowess. If we were Spartans, he probably would have been thrown off a cliff at birth.

Everyone knows this kid

I wish someone would have thrown most of the scripts for these movies and everyone associated with them off the same cliff.

The Good

Pacific Rim

This movie was goddamn fun, even if you don't have that one go-to anime movie reference that features giant robots. The only way it could have been better is if Charlie Hunnam had either died in the first second of the movie or just never been in it at all. Every time that guy talks all I can think is "stop talking like that. you're killin' me here."

"You're KILLIN' me HUNNAM!"

Giant robots fighting giant monsters in a world destroyed, on the brink of total annihilation. The plot is basic but it isn't tossed to the wind. Don't expect to throw up every time there is a fight either. Unlike other films that throw so much random shit at the screen to give the illusion of action, all of the fights in Pacific Rim are easy to watch. It's satisfying to watch a horrible monster get bludgeoned with an oil tanker. 

The Conjuring

Fuuuuuuck this movie. And I mean that in the best possible way. I was on edge the whole time, despite the typical setting and story. The scares weren't so thrown in your face as much as an implied presence most of the time. So when we finally saw something it was more terrifying having built off the tension. 

I kept thinking this was going on while I watched the movie

It just so happens that the actual paranormal investigators this movie is based on are the basis for the Amityville Horror, so I attribute the basic plot to being their overused REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE. 

Think about that the next time something goes bump in the night.

The Wolverine

This one was a big surprise to me. It had all the trappings of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, that piece of shit movie proved that something CAN be worse than X-Men 3. Somehow, the creative gods smiled on this flick. You'll always find directors expressing their love for the source material when it comes to any iconic figure, but James Mangold really seems to have a love for the character and making the Wolverine a movie that hinges on one word: Badass. Wolverine spends his time killing and dealing with his past kills, including his beloved Jean Grey. It was a step in the right direction, a cathartic film for this character to be set up for a return to the X-Men in Days of Future Past.

Photo Op opop op op

 My only gripe with The Wolverine is the ending battle. People are getting put to sleep for no reason and in some old Japanese tower that, for some reason, is like some strange missile
/ laboratory thing? In which everyone is falling and fighting and falling some more. They made up for all of it by having Viper die in a more gruesome way than I expected. Overall, a pleasant surprise.

The Bad

I'll build this up in order of my displeasure with each. I'll keep it concise because most of these movies are so bad that they don't warrant much more than a sentence to explain. Plus, I'm really going to enjoy tearing into the last couple.

R.I.P.D.

I watched Men In Black instead.  Did anybody see this movie? Hello?

The Heat

Miss Congeniality 3, this time, with a fat chick trying to do physical comedy. It's always funny to watch fat people struggle! Right?

Why couldn't Ryan Renolds and Sandra Bullock just do The Proposal 2: The Marriage instead, or something? These were quality choices?

Someone give these roles to Charlize next time

The Lone Ranger

I'm surprised anyone even tried to go see this movie. Even the trailers were such dog shit footage, I couldn't imagine what the rest would be like if what I saw in the preview was supposed to hook me. Johnny Depp has done everything except literally jumping over a shark. Quirky and weird doesn't fit EVERY character.

This isn't even a character....

Stop trying to force it. Go back to making a movie every 6 years or something. Just because you are an actor doesn't mean you can pull off another race in a different time. You're just Johnny Depp with stupid makeup.

And now.... the real massacre...

Click the pic!

Man of Steel Review

Man of Steel

Everyone claims that Superman is the hardest character to bring to life on screen. Or to modernize. To humanize. He's too powerful. Nobody can stand up to him, unless you have Kryptonite, right? It's true, this mother-fucker is a powerhouse but he is not without enemies that push him to his limits or even to the brink of death. But it shouldn't be all about an enemy that could kill Superman.  His greatest stories focus on the moral dilemmas associated with the power he has and having to uphold justice for all of humanity, not just one country or another. Fuck right off. I liked 3 things about this movie. AND THAT IS IT.

The Good

1. The casting. I think every character was cast well. I don't think that every character was explored well. Although Charlize Theron may have been a better choice...

For Lex Luthor

2. Lois Lane was great. I don't care that she figures out Superman's identity. It was a great way to display her skills as a reporter, and her integrity when she did not reveal the truth to the world, or the Kryptonians.
I'll get to the third like in awhile.

The Massacre

So let's see just how poorly Man of Steel touched on the problems of Modernization, Humanizing, and his Power, before moving into what else sucked a big supercock in this movie. Sometimes I wish I could just sit back and enjoy, but...

That's right Batman

Modernization. What a pointless goddamn argument. The only thing modern in this shit-hole movie was the existence of cell phones and satellites only used ONCE for Zod to broadcast a dumb message of "psychological warfare" to Earth demanding that the Kryptonian living here turn itself over. Wowee guys. Now I really feel like Superman fits into our era.

Humanizing. Superman is, at his core, a representative of the best parts of humanity because of the values instilled into him as a child by two wholesome farmers, the Kents. His childhood is spent hiding his abilities while he learns what self control and compassion for his fellow man is. There is no need to change any of it. The very notion that it has to be explored in a new way, like sending him on a journey of self discovery wherein he learns of the plights of the middle and lower class is such a garbage, overdone trope that is completely unnecessary. Superman, who is faster than a speeding bullet, travels the world by boat and hitching rides just to blend in and see how the other half lives (the other half being humanity). He's not watching the news and learning of dictatorships or visiting third world countries that present such despair and need that he is pushed to stand up for what is right. He just wants to defend a bar waitress.

Haven't we all stared blankly into the distance as we sit upon a dilapidated stair? How AVERAGE!

Power. Superman is probably the most powerful superhero ever, but as I mentioned earlier, he has a lineup of the most formidable foes of any superhero. Brainiac, Zod, Darkseid, Doomsday, Parasite. Finding an enemy to face shouldn't be an issue. Testing Superman's power isn't just about the fight, it's about the choices he has to make with that power.

In 1978 this motherfucker pushed Superman to such limits physically and emotionally that he had to fly around the Earth so fast that he rewound fucking time! That's Lex Luthor, and he is human. No superpowers. Just intellect, and the resentment of a powerful human toward a living god.

For the sake of your eyeballs, if you have survived the blog so far, I will list everything I hate about Man of Steel with the speed of bullets. (see what i did there? no? fuck you)

• Every Kryptonian is born to a certain profession, yet nobody believes the opinion of the other. The fucking Council doesn't believe Jor-El when he says the world is about to explode, even though this dude was bred to become a goddamn scientist. And Jor-El disagrees with Zod's militaristic tactics even though he was bred to be a soldier. How did this society thrive for so long genetically altering their spawn to disagree all the fucking time?
• All of Kryptons genetic information is stored in a codex that is then dispersed into Superman himself?! Does this mean he is like a Super-kryptonian too? Why the fuck would Jor-El put the one thing that could bring his species back to life, inside his beloved child? He blatantly states that he hoped one day kryptonians and humans could live together, with his son as the one who can join them. Why not just put the stupid codex in the ship?
• The stupid key with the letter S. Oh wait, it's not an S, on Krypton it stands for hope. Fuck whoever thought that up just to explain a big ol S on the suit. More importantly, fuck whoever decided to give Superman a key that is able to work in ancient, 18,000 year old Kryptonian technology. 
• Speaking of 18,000 year old bullshit, not only does the key work in some Kryptonian scout ship that is uncovered on the North Pole, but there just so happens to be the suit there?
• Jonathan Kent thinks young Clark maybe should have let a school bus full of kids die. Real great values Pa.

"We could have put the bodies here. Nobody would ever know, son."

•  Clark finds the 18,000 year old Kryptonian scout ship, inserts the stupid key which produces a hologram of his father who describes the history of Krypton, with a main focus on General Zod, who's acts of terrorism resulted in Jor-El's death. How does this hologram know? Why is this such pertinent information considering that nobody yet knows that Zod even survived? I would think that in the vast history of Krypton, there would be more important cultural and historical events to discuss.
• Clark finds the suit on the scout ship, like it's some millennia old pajamas or something, puts it on and only then figures out how to fly? He's like 30 fucking years old at this point. He never thought to run and jump as far as he could before?
• General Zod and all of the Kryptonians have scoured the galaxy for other Kryptonian settlements, going to planets where terraforming crews have been sent. All of the crews are failures, most everyone is dead. What the fuck makes them think they can terraform Earth when they haven't found one successful terraform operation in all of their journeys?
• The Kryptonian's suits supposedly keep their personal atmosphere the same as on krypton, yet they are still able to use super speed and strength immediately upon landing on Earth and this comes as no surprise to them. Yet when Supes breaks Zod's helmet, exposing him to Earth's atmosphere, Zod acts like he is getting fucked by a cactus.

He's probably into that kind of thing anyway

• Random characters and under-explored supporting characters. Perry White is basically in the movie just to tell Lois Lane that she is crazy and then admit that she isn't. And then, with the help of some other forgetful reporter person, try to save some random woman (who maybe had a line at some point? who the hell remembers) from the rubble of a building.
• "You can save them. You can save them all." A quote from Jor-El to Superman before the conclusion of the film. Yet Superman basically saves no one. Firstly he flies off to stop one piece of the terraform machine which
• For some reason can sprout tentacles? That was necessary to install? What the hell would a terraform machine need with self defense tentacles? Are Kryptonians likely to use these machines on planets where life exists? I think David Goyer, Zach Snyder and Chris Nolan basically just thought Superman needs an epic robot to fight, so lets just throw some tentacles on this machine, place it across the world and then he will have to fly super fast back in order to save Metropolis! Because fuck it! Nothing needs a logical explanation with enough chaos going on!
• How about Metropolis! Aside from a passing mention and the cop car with the name of the city on it, the fight could have been anywhere. There was no exploration of the city as an entity and that is important when you are bringing to life this kind of iconic mythology. Superman lives in Metropolis. Everyone knows. But just showing a city getting destroyed doesn't make us care about it. Especially given the wanton destruction that occurs in the final fight.
• This movie should have been called Dragon Ball Z: Superman. Just because these people have the power to level a city, doesn't mean it would happen. Certainly not with Superman. In some scenes we see Supes and Zod fly through a building, then we see the terrified bystanders on the street. A moment later, the building begins to collapse. Superman is nowhere around to catch the building. To save the people. He is off punching Zod into another building. In the 1980 flick, Superman 2, Superman faces the same enemy, General Zod, and after Zod almost kills a bus load of people, Superman leads the Kryptonians away from the heavily populated area, to avoid collateral damage. 

Pa Kent would have told you to let them die.

• Also, why the hell are the Kryptonians terraforming Earth, a place where they have super powers?! Does anyone else think this is a step in the wrong direction?

Of course, all of these issues culminate in the biggest problem most everyone has with the movie, and that is the choice Superman makes to kill General Zod. Personally, I liked it. I think the pain it causes Superman is palpable, and this is warfare after all. Yet, I don't understand why Supes couldn't just fly straight up with Zod? Just fly up, save the people who are a couple laser eyes away from death and toss the douche into space. And wouldn't snapping Zod's neck swing those laser beams through the people before that spine snaps anyway? It felt more like a superhuman kick to my human balls to show something so unexpected from a character so well known but I do think it's the one thing in this film giving Superman a little more depth for the future. 

The Verdict

I feel that the future of this franchise is doomed, however, to continue exploiting these characters to generate the next big fight scene and the next incredible CG moment at the expense of real depth and more interesting plot. Yet another spoon-fed movie, unimaginative and generic, trying to be exceptional and inspired, but only resembling s Michael Bay Transformers movie. 

At least this never happened

If I had the power, I would fly around the Earth and turn back time and go snap the neck of the horse the broke Christopher Reeves' back.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! It's another fucking awful Superman movie! Woah!