The Dark Knight Rises Review

The Dark Knight Rises

The Dark Knight Rises is a well made movie but not a fitting final chapter for the Nolan universe. I know. I can't believe I feel this way either. As I sat in the theater, I was overcome with a sense of disappointment the likes of which I had not felt from a Nolan movie since Scarecrow got a taser to the face by Katie Holmes in Batman Begins.

What the fuck, dude!

It's important to note that this review is from a single viewing. Many have said that the issues they felt after an initial viewing cleared up with a second. However, because I review all of these films on one viewing, I see no reason to give this film more chances than any other. I also, honestly, am not sure if I can stand the fury of sitting through another 3 hours of fury and contempt. 
Christopher Nolan is an accomplished director, one of my favorites. The tone and gritty realism he brings to extraordinary stories is something I really enjoy. When Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker, I thought, what? But the casting turned out to be brilliant. I found myself, along with many others, chanting the phrase: In Nolan we trust. 

With TDKR, I was sure I would despise Catwoman. She's just a boring character that fills time messing with Batman. Until I saw the film and, once again, Nolan showed me how it's done. Aside from the choppy timeline, TDKR is a really well made movie. But as I said before, it just doesn't fit the Batman I grew to know from Nolan. They broke the rule for second sequels, which is: BIGGER DOES NOT MEAN BETTER! Ladies and homosexual/bi gentleman, I am sure you can agree, a giant penis isn't worth much if it blows a load when a breeze passes over it. It's all about how you use it. Not that I would know anything about having a giant peen OR how to use it....

Anyway, Nolan brought a huge ol' cock to this final chapter, and after 3 hours, DID go out with a bang, but all the fun was on his end, leaving me to feel cheap and used afterward.

Let's get right into the meat and taters, SHALL WE?!

THE GOOD NEWS

The acting is fantastic. Everyone delivers a solid performance. We already knew Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and Michael Caine are all fantastic in the roles they helped to build. Since everyone in the world has seen The Dark Knight, none of this comes as a surprise so I will move on to the n00bs.

Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle aka Catwoman was purely awesome. She brought a pain to the character, and a sense of survival at any cost. A desperate character, driven, selfish but with heart buried under skin tight leather. Snapping from one emotion to another in an instant, whatever the situation called for. Catwoman was far beyond a simple thief in this vision. She was a character full of depth who has the most meaningful arc in this story.

Calm down, Michelle.

Marion Cotillard  plays Miranda Tate, a business woman bent on meeting Bruce Wayne to discuss the catastrophic project built at Wayne Enterprises. Though Cotillard brings her usual sassy, strong attitude to the character, there just isn't much to work with as far as character development. I'll get into this later when I massacre this movie like Wayne's parents. 

Tom Hardy is a fucking brutal Bane. His version of the character is like a wrecking ball aimed to tear down all of Gotham. Aside from the voice, which I liked but don't feel fit the character's back-story, Bane is intelligent, strong, vicious, and arrogant with good reason. He is truly a force to be reckoned with, and a threat Batman had not faced before in Nolan's Gotham. One of my favorite moments, a scene with which I have absolutely no problems whatsoever, is the first battle between Batman and Bane. I call it a battle like Batman stood a chance. It was more like an old fashioned beat-down.
Joseph Gordon Levitt is also fantastic in his role as John Blake, a rookie cop with keen instincts.
Spoiler Alert!
He turns out to be Robin. Like you didn't guess that shit already. I really enjoyed his progression through the film, from rookie cop, following the rules, to abandoning the badge after shooting some of Bane's minions in self defense. The horror of the act of killing is what ties him to the same mentality of Batman and his will to keep fighting, against incredible odds, are what make him the proper choice to follow in The Dark Knight's footsteps.
Gordon also has a very interesting dilemma in this film. He is torn between the choice he made at the end of The Dark Knight, to hide the truth of Harvey Dent and Batman's involvement in the murders that took place during the Joker's reign of chaos. He is a broken man, who has lost everything because his sense of justice is so strong, it becomes all that matters to him. Gary Oldman is always amazing, and brings the emotion of coping with the lie to life.
Another excellent part of this story, is that everyone is dealing with a lie and affected in different ways (many of which, I fucking hate). Bruce Wayne has become a recluse, believing that he failed Rachel Dawes in the last film. Alfred has grown bitter watching Bruce throw his life away, after hiding the truth from him, that Rachel was never going to wait on Bruce leaving Batman behind.
I can't forget Hans Zimmer, delivering yet another awesome score. I like to listen to it and imagine my own version of the Dark Knight Rises, in which I don't walk out wishing Bane would snap MY spine...
The imagery, and the basic idea, and the acting are all fantastic, setting this story up to be epic. Until they go overboard and just jump the fucking shark...

This makes about as much sense as TKDR

THE MASSACRE

Fuck this movie. As an ending to the Nolan universe Batman, this movie felt nothing like Batman. Not even the Batman I had grown to know through the previous installments. I'll get to why just as soon as I've summed up my feelings on the matter....this movie shit right on my chest. It was unpleasant. I agreed to sit there, thinking it might be a good time, like getting a lap dance, only to have her turn around, pull down her g-string, and squeeze out a log and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Every reboot is open to new interpretations. Changes to characters, scenarios, evolution. Taking an existing entity and redefining it is usually done within parameters though. Every Batman installment, including Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, borrow from the past to tell a fresh story. You have the basic characters and what they do and you run with it. Christopher Nolan took the Batman universe and brought it to a more realistic level but always with some sense of suspended belief. In Batman Begins, the plan is to release a fear toxin into the air of Gotham with a machine that vaporizes liquid. It's the idea of taking a crazy villain scheme and making it tangible, more realistic in a universe that has these items. In that way, it makes sense. In the Dark Knight, the Joker does nothing more than blow shit up and create an air of chaos, with that being the only goal. Bruce Wayne creates a system that can monitor all cell phones in the city and trace a voice in some surreal, digital world map thing. That's a bit much, but the idea fits. Hell, even Harvey Dent is able to run around with no skin on half of his face, feeling fairly spry, even having some fun crashing a car! He is in so much pain from refusing meds, that he seems to be driven mad, and has no intention of surviving, just exacting revenge before he goes.

Say Cheese!

TDKR fails miserably to bring a realism to the plot. So, allow me to go through the plot and break down all the issues as I go. 

Bane has reformed the League of Shadows with Talia Al Ghul (daughter of Liam Neeson's character, Ra's Al-Ghul, from Batman Begins). They had Bruce Wayne invest in the creation of a fusion reactor capable of generating sustainable energy for all of Gotham. Some doctor designed the thing. They make it, it works, but Wayne realized that it could be used as a weapon (which happened to be the villainous plan the entire time). What villain would be fucking dumb enough to have Batman make their bomb for them? They know that Bruce Wayne is the man who stopped the League of Shadows before! Surely he is not the only person on the planet with enough money to build that thing.

Anyway, Bruce locks it away under the river until a way is devised to make it...not weaponizable? Then he becomes a withered old recluse within his manor for something like 7-8 years. Because that is like Batman or Bruce Wayne at all. In the Nolan universe, Wayne is Batman for a total of 2 years. Rachel dies and he just quits?! FUCK YOU. Rachel's letter in the last installment showed us that his closest love, believed that he could never let Batman go. Bruce Wayne was his mask. She is killed by the Joker's antics and Batman just...gives up?! He didn't give a fuck how Rachel was for the 7 years he was gone traveling the world, committing crimes and training to be a ninja while smoking some wild fear-herb! Not to mention that he was driven to do all of those things due to the vengeance he needed after his parent's murder. Now someone dies and he just sits at home like a fucking baby?! If the first two movies set up anything, it was that Wayne would never be stopped. Batman had no limits. The death of Rachel Dawes would have galvanized Bruce into believing he was right in his quest. And with the advent of the Joker, and a better class of criminal, the stage was set for a Gotham where the insane took to maniacal alter egos, characters that Batman would be more driven to stop than ever. You know...like BATMAN!

Let's continue.

Bane pulls a wildly unnecessary stunt in a plane to secure from the FBI or CIA or some shit, the doctor who created the fusion reactor. Consider this for a moment, why was the doctor in custody at all? On the run from Bane, right? And the FBI or whatever was looking for this terrorist leader. Then you realize that Bane has had men infiltrate the unit and they hijack the plane in mid air. So...someone knew that the doctor was in trouble, they must have had some clue to what the doctor had worked on, and nobody thought that Bane might be trying to craft or get his hands on a weaponized fusion reactor? And Bruce Wayne aka Batman, who is supposed to be quite the detective from his little batcave, has no fucking clue... Perhaps he shouldn't have quit! Everything in this movie is his fault. Fuck it. Not a huge point right now. NEXT!

So Bane infiltrates the sewers of Gotham, and shoots Commissioner Gordon. John Blake finds Gordon and rescues him. Wayne visits Gordon and learns of this new evil mastermind, Bane. 2 stupid things arise from this. 

1. Alfred researches Bane and learns that he emerged from a prison in some forgotten part of the world. He warns Bruce to stay away from this one because he will get himself killed. In desperation, Alfred reveals that he lied about Rachel, and she never was going to wait for Bruce. Then Wayne tosses Alfred out! We don't see him again until the end of the movie! Alfred has always been the voice of reason but he has also, in the Nolan-universe especially, always been there for Batman. Every fucking time. He would never give up on Bruce. Yet here, he just walks out. There isn't even a scene of Alfred seeing the devastation of Gotham and worrying about Bruce. He is just, gone. That is not the Alfred they set up in the previous films. 

2. John Blake meets with Bruce Wayne and reveals that, as a kid, Wayne visited the orphanage or some place Blake was at, and he KNEW that Wayne was Batman just from looking at his face?! I'm sorry but Batman Forever was a shitty film and they did a better reveal to Robin of Batman's true identity.

Bane hires Catwoman to steal Bruce Wayne's fingerprints so they can drive motorcycles into the Trade Center building, shoot some guns, and make a false transaction bankrupting Wayne. All so that the board would vote for Wayne to turn over power? And of course he would turn it over to Miranda Tate, the woman who approached Wayne with the fusion reactor idea in the first place. Because, after a one night fuckothon, he trusts her?! 

Risking a lot on this venture, and having it work is one piece of bull. Let's assume that someone is saying "These guys busted into wall street and this transaction looks very suspicious so lets freeze accounts," thus forcing Wayne to turn over power. There are something like 12 board members at Wayne Enterprises. We see them. Wayne doesn't want one man, some forgettable character who has been in league with Bane, to get control of the assets and the bomb. What was wrong with Lucius taking control? Perhaps they mention it but I don't recall because of the goddamn absurdity of the plot. 

Batman suits up and goes after the terrorists who attacked Wall Street. He uses some kind of EMP rifle to shut down their electronics and the police, lead by a completely incompetent Commisisoner filling in for Gordon, decides to turn the full power of the force to catching Batman. NOT THE GUYS WHO JUST COMMITTED AN ACT OF TERRORISM. Thus allowing Bane to escape. 

Batman outruns the cops, hops in his new bat jet and soars off to somehow locate Catwoman and rescue her from Bane's goons. Bane is even there! Batman captures her then asks for her help in finding Bane. This is after meeting with Gordon who has been shot in the sewers, seen Bane down there, and informed Bruce of the impending doom! Perhaps going ninja and investigating the sewers would have been a very Batman like thing to do?! It's as if scenes like this are just thrown in there to build a relationship between Catwoman and Batman. 

Now Catwoman leads Batman into the sewers, to a trap with Bane. After a series of shitty scenes showcasing Batman and Catwoman taking out Bane's goons and generally being a good asskicking team, Batman is lead into a trap. This part I enjoyed. I'll glaze over it.

Batman gets beat up, Bane blows out the bottom of Wayne Tower and gets his hands on his own batmobiles and ships Wayne off to the prison from which Bane was born. Wayne's punishment is to watch as the League of Shadows gets their hands on the fusion reactor and unveils it as a bomb at a football game. The bomb is nuclear, and can wipe out the entire city. So nobody is allowed to leave or enter, and the United States military is tasked with ensuring neither happens or the bomb will be detonated and destroy all of Gotham. Meanwhile, almost the entire police force is trapped in the sewers where the dumbfuck new Commissioner sent them to find Bane. Another little bit of radical planning on the League's part. Basically always counting on everyone to be just as dumb as their plans.

Here is where villains in this film are just dumb animals. They finally have their plan in place to work, Batman out of commission and all they need to do is blow the fucker up. But no, instead they release the prisoners, reveal the lie that Gordon told, and let the city tear itself apart for awhile. Because blowing up an entire city isn't message enough. We are treated to watching the city descend into chaos, which I admit, I also enjoyed, but the time is so ludicrous that all of the realism is lost. Scarecrow makes an appearance that just further destroys the character, as a judge, sentencing the good people of Gotham to either death or exile for whatever reason. And this is all just fun and games! The core of the bomb is decaying rapidly, and when it decays completely, it will set itself off. Yeah, the bomb is going off anyway, so again, why not just detonate the fucking thing.

Bruce Wayne is in a prison and has to train to rebuild his broken back. Somehow, in 2 months time he is able to do this. He then learns a fear of death and manages to be the second person to ever escape. Fine. Whatever.

Batman returns to Gotham and doesn't grab the EMP rifle that could be mighty useful in stopping, oh say a TRUCK CARRYING THE BOMB, but instead sets up an elaborate Bat symbol fire on a building in the city to let everyone know that he is back! Then he busts all the cops out in order to essentially have an army to oppose Bane's criminal army...

Um, remember when, in the Dark Knight, Batman stops the copy cat Batmen because it is his burden to bear with his skill and training? I guess that doesn't matter anymore. So Batman uses his jet to blow up the guns on the other batmobiles, then lands somewhere and finds Bane for a rematch to find the detonator? Perhaps a better plan more suitable to Batman would be sneaking around, taking out some goons, finding Bane and getting the detonator, instead of some ridiculous street warfare.

On top of everything, Bane turns out to be just the muscle really, for Talia's plan of revenge. 

And his exit is less than thrilling. The bat jet is almost completely used for flashy scenes and is almost completely useless in Batman's final attempts to stop the bomb. Every scene is just one bad choice or screw up after another. 

By the end of this film I was left with a feeling that over the 8 years between The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises, everyone turned into mush brained morons.

THE VERDICT

I wont ruin the ending for you. That can ruin itself. Let's just say it has a lot to do with hope and being a symbol and other shit people love to spout while secretly wishing they could suck Nolan's cock. There's a culture that has grown up around these films of people who cannot believe that Nolan could ever do wrong. There is no doubt that he is incredibly talented, but even the mighty fall. People out there will find a way to rationalize every single issue listed above, inferring this, speculating at that, and missing the fact that at it's heart, this is a Batman movie and to me, there was very little Batman to be found.

At least this massacre made it through without Charlize Theron popping up anywhere.

WHAT?! 

The Amazing Spider-Man Review

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

The Amazing Spider-Man is a too-soon reboot with some issues but not without a good goal. If you're a fan of classic Spidey, give it a chance but don't expect much. Plus, it has Emma Stone looking hot as usual.

That's not webbing.

Since Spidey is one of my all time favorite heroes, and I enjoyed the first two Sam Raimi films, this movie had a lot to live up to. Following in the footsteps...webswings? of the Raimi films is no easy task, but I have to say, I found it AMAZING (see what I did there) that I didn't hate this Spider-Man film. Perhaps because Spidey's last film was so...disappointing. Remember how Spider-Man 3 was supposed to have this dark, gritty tone and instead we got Eric Foreman and jazz step Peter Parker? This film pulls off the darkER tone but still recognizes that it's source can only allow for so much. I had hoped this would erase all of the bad feelings I walked out of Spider-Man 3 with, but the hurt goes too deep. Amazing Spider-Man does a heroic job of trying though. It's just so hard to forget that I paid to see some of my favorite characters getting raped on the big screen.

I have so much PTSD from Spider-man 3 that I get flashbacks and seizures whenever I watch That 70's Show

THE GOOD

When I first heard that a dude named Mark Web was taking over the Spider-man legacy, I honestly thought it was a joke. As time went on and nobody was laughing I started to fear for the worst. Spider-man 1 and 2 are among my favorite superhero films, and besides the ridiculous dialogue and Mary-Jane's constant capture/rescue, featured everything I wanted to see from a Spidey film. 

The Amazing Spider-Man takes a different approach to the origin story, instead focusing on the disappearance of Peter Parker's parents under suspicious circumstances. Peter's loss turns him into a more modern loner. A geek who spends his waking hours alone and his school hours harassed. He has a bit of a rebellious streak in him which I thought lends well to this story. Even the story itself serves a reboot well as it sets Peter on a new path giving it a freshness to carry through the rehashed moments. 

Characters themselves are filled with actors bringing a fresh, youthful feel to the universe. Aunt May, as played by Sally Field, is less old and tired and more broken and worrisome. Uncle Ben, Martin Sheen, is a strong voice, with a conviction of morality that he instills in Peter through sacrifice and pain. He brings a sadness and joy to the role of Uncle Ben, a character doing his best to raise a child as his own.

Andrew Garfield plays Peter Parker well, but I'm not sure if I like him because of his slender frame and more teen like demeanor appearing more like the Spidey that I enjoy. He pulls off the angst of a teen very well but didn't quite sell me on the persona of Spider-Man. Though they tried to create a Spider-Man more akin  to his comic version, full of fun quips and enjoyment for his powers, I felt that the darker tone of the film didn't quite mesh. His somewhat bully attitude overrode his usual whimsical style to create a hero that was not well defined but someone I would still like to see grow as character.

Gwen Stacy was finally given some justice with Emma Stone but I just love her anyway. She's sexy, geeky and fits genuinely into the environment, never turning into a damsel in distress. 

Even Captain Stacy as played by Dennis Leary felt like a fun character who was wasted on the overall plot of this film involving the Lizard. He pops up to give the typical banter about hero versus vigilante bullshit.

Rhys Ifans plays Curt Connors, aka Lizard and I thought he was another strong character in the story. He seems like a true scientist with a deep desperation to have his missing arm back but not at any cost. Connors makes the right choice in the film, deciding not to begin genetic testing on unsuspecting humans...that is, until...

THE MASSACRE

Connors loses his grip on his sanity, becoming more lizard than man with every dose he takes of his own experimental serum. That's okay, it kind of fits with the character, but the story was so rushed that by the time we first see the Lizard, it seems he is already on a path to spread the serum to all of the people in the city in an effort to eliminate disease and weakness. 

This super-villain plot is too comic book and doesn't mesh well with the more realistic take on the universe. As if a Lizard rampaging wasn't wild enough, now he is going to use genius intellect to disperse the serum in some glowing sky cloud shit. How did the Lizard maintain that kind of mental faculty but lose the emotion connected to just how wrong this is. 

When we first see the Lizard, it hunts down some idiot who plans to begin the human trials anyway! Within a half hour the entire character flips to megalomania and the story goes from an intriguing new take on Parker's family past to Saturday morning cartoons. 

Wait, no, even the cartoon had Connors threatening only his personal family, his base instinct to care for them overriding his human logic. Upping the scale makes things more heroic to Hollywood. Hell, even the cartoon story set Spider-Man up for the repercussions of exposure to Connor's experiments!

Look at that shit!

For me, the villain needs to have a clear motive and depth, something to contend with and be a match for the hero. A true obstacle. 

The Lizard was not this kind of villain, and instead of embracing the opportunity for a more intimate threat, this story went to the kind of blockbuster climax we have all come to expect from superhero films. 

Raimi's first two films are excellent examples of using each story in the ways that fit the characters involved. 

Green Goblin is a power hungry maniac who finds a personal enemy in Spider-Man. In the end, some of the public is involved in his scheme but all to lure in and break the hero. 

Doctor Octopus is fueled by his arrogance, his hubris when it comes to his intellect. He simply cannot believe that his experiment failed and so, forced to operate outside of his own lab, turns to crime to rebuild and prove that he was not wrong. These are personal issues revolving around personalities. That's why it works.

By the end of Amazing Spider-Man, there is no rhyme or reason to the final conflict, and there is no personal investments. Not to mention that this final encounter has absolutely nothing to do with the repeated theme of the film: What happened to Peter Parker's parents? There is no desperation by the end, for Peter to save Connors and uncover the truth of his involvement with Peter's parents. It was like Spidey got blazed and totally forgot.

In his blaze haze he ate entire bags of Funions and Cooler Ranch Doritos as well as no less that 14 King Size Peanut Butter Snickers.

I would like to see a Director's Cut someday because I feel that this movie was very rushed and cut to the point of feeling very choppy and like a made for TV special. Too much time is spent with Peter gaining his powers and too little is spent building the character of Curt Connors. 

And the web-shooters. What the fuck is the point of making web-shooters that contain a strong silk like webbing created at OSCORP? Nobody would notice that shit missing? Or that the shooters take cartridges of which, one of the shortcomings is running the fuck out! No swinging! Happens to him all the time. Only when the Lizard crushes his shooters is Spidey helpless to swing. 

Every film should feel like it has a beginning, journey, and an end. This film leaves on a sour note, the silly villain's plot is foiled, the hero hints that he will still be with the girl, and a mysterious figure wants to know what Connors told Peter about his parents. Nothing seems finished. Peter never found the man who killed Uncle Ben. Nothing was revealed even remotely about Parker's parents. Connors is locked up being visited by shady dudes. Perhaps Toby Maguire?

Wait! CHARLIZE?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

THE VERDICT

Overall, this movie is just...there. It exists. It isn't horrible but that's judging by the standards left with Raimi's Spider-Man 3. I feel that, had some kind of balance been struck between the approach to story of Raimi's trilogy and the new gritty feeling of Web's, somewhere is the perfect Spiderman experience (though, for my money, Spider-Man 2 is as good as it gets). There is also the sad news of a Venom movie still in production. So, even if this story continues on a large scale story arc, we won't be seeing a classic villain and a major step along Parker's path involving the symbiot, both of which fit more nicely into this darker universe than they did in Spider-Man FUCKING SHIT ON YOUR DREAMS 3!

Prometheus Review

PROMETHEUS

Prometheus is a semi-prequel to Alien, both films done by Ridley Scott. My first impression of this film is that it is very well done in all aspects but I had to take time to consider the story as it was completely shit-throwing pointless. You almost had me fooled, Ridley...almost....

This movie has everything you could want from a sci-fi film with current technology. Space maps are 3-dimensional, glowing techno shows. Monsters are grotesque, mysterious and tangible. Space sex + black ooze = crazy monster births! Typical Ridley, always raping space adventurers. So the plot is, in very basic terms, a couple researchers find some pictographs all over Earth from different ancient cultures, all pointing to a certain star system in the sky. A crew sets off to this planet with the belief that they will meet the beings who created humanity. Our Gods, in a sense. If this sounds like it's straight out of Ancient Aliens, you're right. More on that later. So the crew flies to this planet and finds a ship, ancient and buried under a mountain. As you might predict, this is where everything goes horribly wrong for the crew. The crew of the alien ship are known as Engineers and something has happened to them as well. Something that, as revealing in holographic recordings, killed almost all of them. 

All of the elements were in place but, at some point, went totally off the wall like Hudson faced with a swarm of ugly Xenomorphs. 

"Game overrrr man! Game over!"

Game on, Hudson.

THE GOOD NEWS

As it is, this film has been torn up and down and theorized about. I don't want to speculate on the point of this worm monster's significance as a raping dick or that tentacle beast implying the arms of the child, desperate to destroy it's creator, Instead I am focusing on the basic story itself.

This movie looks fucking great. I haven't seen a film that looked so good in 3D. It was so good in fact, that I think I was concentrating more on how beautiful/grotesque/scenic every little detail was instead of focusing on the story, kinda like porn...

The acting is well done, for the most part. It was the characters themselves that had some issues, which I will get too soon. 

Michael Fassbender was god damn amazing in this movie which is a bit ironic since he was playing a robot. With subtle facial changes and voice inflections, I felt like I was watching a dark, grisly Pinnochio story unfolding. I truly feel that this story was the core of the film, though it was obscured numerous times by the barrage of science fiction horror. At one point, David is speaking with another forgettable crew member that gets some alien sludge disease later on, anyway, here is the quote from IMDB: 

'Charlie Holloway: What we hoped to achieve was to meet our makers, to get answers why they made us in the first place. 

David: Why do you think your people made me? 
Charlie Holloway: We made ya 'cause we could. 
David: Can you imagine how disappointing it would be for you to hear the same thing from your creator? 
This small comment sums up David's agenda. He has been used, abused, and underestimated by his creators. Upon this planet are signs of the aliens who influenced the creation of humanity on Earth. Superior beings. Beings more akin to himself. David's story plays out magnificently and I can't help but feel that had the monster aspect of the story been leveled out, this film would be not just eye candy but mind candy....

Even Charlize Theron delivered a solid roll! I wasn't too surprised tho because she had a competent director and wasn't trying to fake an accent and wasn't yelling like a fucking toddler... (I fucking hate Snow White and the Huntsman)

Theron's roll as Meredith Vickers, daughter of Peter Weyland, jealous of the trust her father puts in David, adds a fantastic dynamic to the story. David, the android who wishes to surpass his creator, and a human daughter who wishes to be recognized by hers. Theron pulls off the stuck up, rich bitch character well. Almost too well.... 

Ah fuck! I guess it's just good acting with good direction! Jesus.

THE MASSACRE

Okay, so this movie bothers me because it would have only taken a little bit of tweaking for it to be an incredible prequel to Alien. 

First off, Noomi Rapace isn't bad in this at all. She's just not great. She isn't all that memorable. In fact, the only reason I even remember that she was in it is because she gives birth to a fucking octopus. It's obvious that she is meant as a Ripley type, strong female lead, but she lacks any real dimension of thought or realism. Until she is screaming and having a robot pull her octobaby out, she is mostly a robot. 

This seems to be the case with most of the characters in the film. Unless they died some horrible death, I don't even recall that they were on screen at all. Not that the acting was poor by any means. It wasn't. Characters just lacked depth and seemed to be there as fodder for the monsters. Fair enough, but what made Alien truly awesome was how attached to each character the audience became, just to watch them die one by one. 

Speaking of Monsters (get it?), I think this film suffered from just too much. Apparently this one little can of black ooze has a great deal of versatility.

1. If it gets into maggot worms it creates bigger, nastier face-raping dick worms!

2. It turns people into super strong zombies.

3. If you drink it, you become infected with a disease. A disease which,

4. If you get your freak on and don't wear a raincoat, will impregnate your partner with some kind of squidchild that grows in mere hours!

I would have much preferred to see one creature here in the style of Alien. Or the evolution of one creature through whatever creepy rape monster ideas Ridley has bouncing around that dome of his.

So the point of this film was to examine the idea of the Engineers, the Space Jockeys; that massive boney being sealed in the egg room of the ship in the first Alien film. As it turns out, these Engineers are actually just jacked up, pale skin humanoids that travel and experiment with this black ooze. Okay, I'm still with you there. Then the crew starts to realize, after multiple deaths from crazy critters, that this ship is actually a storage facility for weapons...like chemical weapons?

And the cave paintings were a warning?

To stay AWAY from the planet they pointed at?

And the planet isn't even LV426. (you know, the planet from Alien, with the distress beacon that causes the crew of the Nistromo to land and investigate and eventually find an alien ship?) It seems to me that this film could have been more easily streamlined to fit into the alien universe as a direct prequel. Here's how it should have gone: Crew sets out to planet found on cave paintings, land on LV426 and discover Engineer ship, accidentally open container of black ooze, ooze infects and mutates worms, worms attack crew, David captures one to study, David lets one worm into a room with an insensitive crewman, worm face-rapes and impregnates crew member, face-hugger/baby like creature is birthed from said crew member and starts tearing the crew apart, crew is forced to flee to Engineer ship, David finds and awakens sleeping Engineer, Engineer starts killing crew also, Vickers returns to ship and ejects life boat which crashes on planet, creature is inside, chases Vickers back to Engineer ship where the Engineer is starting take off, Noomi Rapace and David escape to lifeboat and turn on distress beacon, creature face-rapes Engineer causing the alien ship to crash, Queen alien bursts out of Engineer's chest.
Bang. Direct prequel. All ideas about the creation of humanity in tact. David's story unfolds the same. Everyone wins. You're welcome. Feel free to call me any time Hollywood.

THE VERDICT

I enjoyed this movie but it seemed to be written less by the person who brought us Alien and more as if it was brought to us by this guy

Snow White and the Huntsman Review

Snow White and the Huntsman

Snow White and the Huntsman was not worth the $9.50 or the 2 hours I lost that could have been better spent doing almost anything else. Perhaps even ziplining...

It's true, I ask a lot of the films I watch and to some degree I can deal with a little bit of reused material or poor acting or quirks. Some films have all of the elements of a terrible movie but still work together within the story to create something that is not only memorable but WORKS! It fucking fits. 

This film does not...this film is like a great dog who looked so awesome and fun at the shelter but then you got home from work and it has shit on your favorite shirt and you may never find a way to forgive it. I will explain why this movie shit on my shirt after I give you the good news.

THE GOOD NEWS

Chris Hemsworth is an excellent actor. Although there are a few moments when his character does not seem to act in accordance with the plot, Hemsworth delivers a solid performance as the lost, widowed Huntsman. I haven't seen him phone in a performance yet so I'm going to blame the director for almost everything here.

Kristen Stewart is also not all that bad in this! I expected at any moment for her to see some wolf and be all like 'That guy is hot' or some other Twilight bullshit. Thankfully the only reminder of Twilight is her 'I constantly am thinking of something to say' face

I'm starting to think that is just how her face is all the time tho...

Anyway, she also gives a fairly good performance and doesn't try to overdue the English accent. She sticks to what she can pull off...except her clothes which is unfortunate because this film would have received an extra thumbs up...from my crotch.

The 7 dwarfs look excellent! Seeing a tiny Nick Frost running around was a real treat but alas, there was no balance to the story and he was lost in the shuffle. The CG animations were great! From the Mirror-guy to the landscapes. Except for the faeries...those stupid fucks...

THE BAD NEWS

Right now you might be saying: "Surely that wasn't ALL of the good you found in this movie?!"

I wish there were more, but Darth fucking Vader had more good in him than this movie.

Tell your sister...don't go see this movie...

This is where the real rant begins. Spoilers ahead. (Though is it really a spoiler if I warn you that the apple you are about to eat is poison?)

Charlize fucking Theron. She is just plain awful in this movie. If you want someone to have an English accent at least find someone who can pull of a half way decent one. Or just cast someone who is English! OR STOP EXPECTING ALL FANTASY PEOPLE TO HAVE AN ACCENT! 

She yells needlessly. Tries to look all menacing Over acts more than an actual drama QUEEN! Generally tries too hard to pull off the ultimate villain. Even so, she has red, teary eyes more often than any other person in the film and she doesn't even have a reason to cry!

Oh sure the character has some cobbled together back story about being taken from home as a child and how her creepy fucking mom enchanted her to use her pussy as a weapon but honestly, why the hell would I feel bad for her by the time she is slaughtering civilians and sucking the life out of innocent young women. She talks about the evil of men but proceeds to rip out hearts and steal life from pretty much everyone she comes into contact with. Then takes a milk bath. Presumably just because the director had no clear idea of what the fuck he was doing.

The relationship between Snow White and the Huntsman is not well crafted. It goes from 'not my problem' to 'if we are caught stab them to survive!' in approximately 1 minute. Then Snow White transforms overnight from a mild, frightened girl lost in a world she has not seen for a decade to warrior princess overnight after waking up from a coma! POOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! I think I know who to blame but I'll get to the director in a second. First I need to touch on the story a little further.

The story had so much potential to be great. A dark retelling of the fairy tale classic! Except that the fairy tale is already fairly dark to begin with. So rather than build up a solid story around the original, delve into the characters and their motivations, fears, hopes and lives in this fantasy world, instead the writers chose to just toss small bits of information in and call it good. The sad part is, these glimpses into who these characters are just mentioned at random and the only character who seems to have any depth is the Hunstman. Until that gets ruined by this douche bag

That's a villain. Finn. The Queen's brother. He has the haircut of a toddler. Anything menacing he does in the course of the film is ruined by that dumb fucking haircut. He is completely incompetent as well. You would think after generations of destroying kingdoms with his sister he might have developed a bit of an intellect but somehow, Snow White, a girl who has been trapped in a tower for a decade, is able to evade him persistently. OH YEAH, and if you didn't believe this character was creepy enough he is also a bit of a rapist! That is always darker, right? RIGHT?! Then let's make him the ultimate opposition to the Hunstman by making it personal! What if Finn raped and murdered the Huntsman's wife?!

Oh shit that is just so dark and original!

Lets look at this poster for a moment,

Looks good! Very neat. Oh wait...who is that guy? The Prince? Was he in this movie? Oh yeah this is a fairy tale so there just HAS to be a prince. Toss one in! He doesn't have to do anything really! He can be completely forgettable because, after all, this is Snow White and the HUNTSMAN.

Oh I forgot, Snow White has 7 dwarf friends in the story. Toss some in. They don't need to do anything either really. We will have a war at the end in which everyone will be needed so...that is like the classic story...right?

I blame Rupert Sanders. The director. This guy has a smaller IMDB page than my penis. I swear he did not turn down a single idea.

I imagine whatever fantasy element anyone concocted to add to this masterpiece, Sanders just said 'I love it.'

Moss covered snake doing nothing?

I love it.

A flower made of butterfly wings that is actually just a ton of butterflies that take off in flight suddenly?

I love it.

Faeries that somehow just pop out of the fur of animals?

I love it.

Poison gas that makes you trip balls in the forest for a couple minutes?

I

LOVE

IT.

What really grinds my gears is the poorly reused imagery from other fantasy classics. Here are some examples.

Neverending Story: Artax the horse is pulled under in the Swamp of Sorrows. 

Snow White: White horse takes her to safety only to be pulled into the mud at the fucking Forlorn Forest 3 minutes later.

The Dark Crystal: The life is drained from a muppet who grows old before our very eyes.

Snow White: The Queen steals the life from a girl who looks just like the goddamn muppet and ages in the same way!

The Dark Crystal: Our heroes come to a small village that only knows peace where they may rest awhile only to be attacked suddenly in the night. The village is burned away.

Snow White: Exactly the same but this time with women who escaped the Queen by scarring their faces.

Lord of the Rings: Constantly traversing mountain landscapes with little dwarf.

Snow White: Same camera shots of the same thing!

Chronicles of Narnia: The Ice Queen plunges her world into snow and desperation. Life struggles to exist.

Snow White: The evil Queen somehow plunges the world into decay.

Chronicles of Narnia: Our heroes meet the mysterious animal king Aslan in a sanctuary where the land springs back to life.

Snow White: Our heroes happen upon a fucking nature-thriving sanctuary where Snow White meets and is blessed by some animal king!

I imagine Sanders saying "Yeah but ours is a Stag. Aslan was a Lion. It's different."

Go fuck yourself!

THE VERDICT

Fuck this movie. Watch Willow or something.